Yankee Brew News Archive

Have a Nice Comfortable Beer

Originally Published: 10/96

By: Gregg Smith

Throughout Beer & Tavern Chronicle editorials we've been critical of nearly everyone in the beer business. We've targeted bad beers, uncaring brewers, apathetic distributors, negligent retailers, out of touch law makers, marketing geniuses, to some extent writers, and even ourselves. Frankly, it's been a lot of fun. Through it all we've enjoyed a couple of beers. The question is just how much could they be enjoyed?

Out of the group we've criticized there's one glaring omission--bars. We've avoided it up to now because we were a little concerned that if we got too vocal we wouldn't be invited back to our favorites, but then again the barbs of this piece aren't aimed at them. The guilty parties should know who they are. If you don't know Mr. Bar Manager, then please feel free to use this as a self-grading checklist.

Let's start with something simple. Not all of you are blameworthy of this, but for those of you that are, try cleaning your lines now and then. Once a week would be nice. As a consumer it's a bit disconcerting to plunk down something in the neighborhood of a five'r for a pint, only to have it fouled by dirty lines. Cleanliness (in lines) is next to... you know.

While we're on the subject of washing, we know that volume equals profits, especially in a big city bar. But in your haste to serve beers please don't grab those glasses still wet from washing. Nothing destroys a flavorful beer more quickly than a healthy serving of washing caustic in the bottom of the glass.

Even if there's not enough to taste, a small amount can kill the head on a beer quicker than you can say "I've had enough." It might not be noticeable on a wide variety of beers, but on a Guinness, or a fine Belgium beer, it amounts to a criminal act. And those bars that only use chlorine on their glasses are no better; we usually get out of the pool when we're thirsty. A final thought on this... we know you rinse, but over the course of an evening your rinse water gets full of this stuff.

So maybe, Mr. Bar Manager, you're one of those who delivers us a nice clean glass. We don't want to sound too picky but can we get it in the correct type of glass? You wouldn't serve a cabernet wine in a tumbler would you? How about a fine cognac in a shot glass? Of course you wouldn't. Well, is it too much to ask for a bowl shaped glass for an aromatic beer?

Now don't get this wrong, we're not asking you to imitate Belgian bars and have a custom glass ready for each corresponding brewery's beer. However, some generic bowl shaped glasses would be nice, as would some hefe-weizen, pilsner and pint glasses. A selection as small as that would work quite nicely.

We know the next part is difficult, but could you serve the beer at the correct temperature? We're not telling you to serve your Bud, Miller, or Coors warmer. They're supposed to be consumed very cold and most assuredly they taste better around 35 degrees or so. What we'd like to see is the ales served at least in the mid to high forties. It would let more flavor and aroma out of the beer. Those of us who consume those brands sure would be grateful. Cerevisaphiles would also appreciate the option of a warm (not frozen) glass.

Then there's the matter of the bar itself. We know the beer business is inherently, well, wet. However, isn't there some way your staff can keep the bar at least somewhat dry? When we come in after work there are times we're simply exhausted and the bar makes a fine place to lean. If we're in short sleeves and it's wet it's a touch annoying, but when in business clothes it starts getting expensive. Staff instruction on the use of a towel would be much appreciated.

Next we come to the touchy subject, smoking. We understand the controversy this presents. We have friends that include both smokers and non-smokers. Of course we'd love it if our smoking friends quit, but until they're able or willing could you please provide a few ash trays? Meanwhile non-smokers would appreciate the investment in a decent ventilation system. Some bars have already done this; it makes them a more comfortable place to tip back a few, and along with a dry bar it sure cuts down on the cleaning bills.

There's another couple of parts of beer drinking that are almost unavoidable. One is that beer is a social drink. As such we really enjoy meeting friends or making new ones over a beer. No doubt you'd like the socializing to stay at as low as a "dull roar"; our only request is to not try to keep things as quiet as a church.

The other inescapable part of beer drinking is when the body completes its biological recycling project. Please try to keep the rest rooms clean enough to not warrant wearing full toxic waste gear. Let's strike a deal. You make an effort to clean it and we'll try to keep it that way.

In titling this editorial we choose to include the word comfortable. So here's a couple of suggestions you could address if we haven't already irritated you. First, if it's August, remember that things can get fairly hot and humid during this month. Don't wait to turn on your air conditioner until fifteen minutes before happy hour; it won't be able to cool the place in time for our arrival.

Next, why would anyone have bar stools with broken seats? You know the type, you spin around and find the movement to be more extreme than a five ticket ride at the carnival. Then again there's the tables. Where do you purchase them with only three legs the same length? They make excellent beer launchers but not the best furnishings for a comfortable place to enjoy a beer.

Well, that's our list. Some bars actually meet all these items nicely, and thus far we haven't found any that violate all our criteria for a comfortable bar. We hope you bar managers will use these suggestions for a little quality control. As consumers we'll try to politely let you know when something's amiss. Thanks.

Gregg Smith is editor of Beer & Tavern Chronicle and a frequent contributor to Yankee Brew News.