Yankee Brew News Archive

Ask the Beer Doc

Originally Published: 08/97

By: Dr. Connard Brasseur

Ask the Beer Doc

By Dr. Connard Brasseur

Dear Doctor,

What is Charlie White Owl up to? Did he come down to visit you in Florida at all?

R. Cunningham, Winthrop, MA

Dear R.

Ayuh, he sure did.

I had landed a job as a greeter at the local Wal-Mart. And let me tell you, there's no harder job in the world than pretending to be pleasant to a bunch of goddamn Q-tips. (Fort Myers should be renamed "God's Waiting Room"). Even though I was working, I got kind of homesick. So I sent Charlie a postcard (with a couple of young chicks on the front) telling him that I have four fresh cases of homejugs and to get his fanny down here right away. Six days later, Charlie pulls his Ford F250 up next to the trailer -- all I could smell was scorched asbestos from his brakes. In fact, the catalytic converter on his truck was so hot, it started a small brush fire. I think he drove down here as fast as he could without stopping.

After a couple days of fishing, I got Charlie a job at the same place I worked. He lasted about two weeks in the sporting goods section before he got canned. Supposedly, he was selling special "fisherman's helpers" - on the side - to the local anglers. Someone called the store manager to report that Charlie was selling M-80s and telling local fishermen how to use them to improve their "fishing skills". That was it for me, I couldn't stand dealing with the "white tops" any more. I ended up quitting, which was no big deal. We all wanted to go back to Maine anyway, everyone except Yvette, that is.

Dear Connard,

Jeez, are you back up here yet? I sure could use a frosty homejug.

Yours truly,

Lyman Levesque

Dear Cadger,

Ayuh, you can come on over, but don't show up empty handed. Ask Gosselin what happens to cheap bastards around here. He'll tell you.

Dear Beer Doc,

The only thing that hasn't been hot up here lately is those Red Sox. We need a recipe for a good summer thirst quencher. As you know, blueberries and blackberries are coming in season. How about a beer recipe that calls for some locally-grown Maine berries?

Ernest Branch

Augusta, ME

Dear Ernie,

Y'know, I hate to confess it, but I enjoy one of those blueberry or blackberry beers from time to time. I used to think they were "prissy man" drinks until I finally tried one. On a hot day, they really hit the spot.

Only trouble with berry beers is, Yvette likes to bake her berries into a pie. She gets pretty steamed if I dip into her berry stash to make up a batch of homejugs. It's a lot of work to pick them, you see.

The last time the poor old gal came back from picking blackberries, she was covered in mosquito and deer fly bites from head to toe - she looked pretty bad. But that five gallon pail of blackberries sure looked good to me.

Anyway, while Yvette was painting the Calamine Lotion on her backside, I snuck out of the trailer with the berries. Charlie White Owl was waiting over at his garage. The two of us planned to make up a nice 5 gallon batch of berry beer. We left the berries in his camp ice box and went back to the garage to stoke up the kettle for the beer.

Now you city guys might not know this, but we got a lot of big, fat, smelly bears up here in Lake Moxie. Believe me, they are nothing more than thieves wearing fur coats. Most of the time they spend rolling around in the landfill gorging themselves on garbage -- that is, until berry season kicks in. Once these smelly nitwits get a snoot full of fresh Maine berries, they tramp on over to where they are and hog them all. The damn bears smell so bad, even the deer flies won't bother with them. This time thankfully, Yvette had gotten to the sand pits long before the local fur-bearing reprobates did -- or else there'd be nothing left.

Which brings me back to the story. No sooner did Charlie and I get the kettle off to a boil when we hear pots and pans crashing to the floor inside Charlie's camp. Charlie, ever the skilled woodsman, sniffed the air cautiously. "Either the guy from the dump is wrecking my camp or it's a goddamn bear," he said as he grabbed a rock-salt filled double-barreled shotgun from the barn.

Sure enough, when we peeked through the kitchen window, there was this fat, smelly bear with his bucket-sized head plunged completely into the bucket of berries. He rested the pail on his dumpster-sized stomach, his paws on either side, as he gorged himself on every last berry in the bucket. Charlie didn't hesitate, he drew a bead on the bear's keester and let one go.

BOOM!

The bear jumped up and ripped the door off the refrigerator, spilling all of Charlie's stuff all over the floor.

"Take that, you dirty son of a bitch!"

BOOM!

That fat slob of a bear tore down all of the kitchen cabinets with a swipe of his paw. Then, he smashed out a window, hopped up on the sink, tearing it away from the counter, and leaped out the kitchen window. The last we saw of him, his smoking fanny was high-tailing it towards West Forks.

Once that hairy highwayman was out of sight, Charlie and I went into his camp to view the damage. Of course, every last one of those blackberries were gone. To make matters worse, Charlie's refrigerator was destroyed, his sink was shooting up a geyser of water, and all of his provisions were scattered over the camp.

I couldn't believe the mess the bear had made. "Jeez, Charlie," I said, "How come you didn't wait until he came out to blast him?"

"Then how the hell would he know what I was shooting him for?" came the reply.

Hairy Highwayman Berry Ale

By Dr. Connard Brasseur and Charlie White Owl

Two Cans of Extra Light Malt extract (total 6 to 6.6 lbs.)

(or substitute 6 lbs. extra light bulk extract)

3/4 ounce Cascade Hops

Tsp. Irish Moss

6 lbs. freshly picked Maine blackberries (use more if you got 'em)

Shotgun loaded with fresh Maine road salt.

Instructions: Add a gallon of hot water to the pot. Dissolve the malt extract and then apply heat. Bring to a boil. Add Cascade hops and boil for 45 minutes. Add moss and boil 15 more minutes, shut off the stove and remove from heat. Put wort into a sanitized fermenter topped up with ice cold spring water to five gallons (if you live south of Skowhegan, Maine, use that bottled stuff they sell at the market). When temperature of the wort falls below 75 degrees, add yeast. Ferment as usual. If a Maine resident, keep berries in the ice box with a heavy chain wrapped around it. If you smell fresh garbage nearby, get ready to use shotgun to deter the hairy highwayman. Once fermentation slows down, crush berries and rack fermented beer on top of berries. Let sit for 4 - 5 days and bottle/keg as usual. Makes 5 gallons (about 20 quart homejugs).